Heavy Thoughts

Last week I was sitting down stairs watching TV and scrolling facebook and tiktok. Austin was out of town, the dogs were at the kennel and I had to work the following night. I was just "relaxing" on the couch and "doom scrolling" (as I've seen it called) and Johnathon asked me if he could come downstairs and sit with me. I was reluctant to but I said yes.

You should know that I am very close with my brother, however we are both alike and QUITE different at the same time. I'm fine sitting and doing nothing and talking to no one but I don't think that's the case for John. (Let me also say that I feel like I am nice and a "pushover" to everyone EXCEPT my own immediate family. Maybe because I have such a hard time telling other people no that I over compensate and tell my family no more than I "should" because I know they love me regardless but that gives me no right to be mean or rude to them though.)

(me and John getting ready to celebrate Nanny's 90th birthday)

So, I'm sighing internally (and probably externally) as he walks down the stairs; knowing that, although I love him dearly, the high energy he (occasionally) exudes physically and emotionally drains me at times. I'm glad he came down though. He must've had some heavy thoughts on his mind because we talked and cried for a long time. We talked about his sons, our mom and the car accident she passed in, the "stuck" feeling, his health, his upcoming divorce and his soon to be ex-wife and just the overall lows of life.

(me, Johnathon, Dad and Mom the night Johnathon graduated high school)

And I realized while talking to him how bitchy I've probably been and how I don't ever want him or anyone else to feel like they're not wanted when they talk to me. How divided time isn't actually time spent with someone. Then tonight Austin and I were on our way to dinner and some how got on the subject of loss. And it made me think of how eventually, everyone passes and of course my Nanny is the oldest in my family (90 years old to be exact) and someone who I'm closest too, so I thought of her first and I just couldn't help but cry (hell, my keyboard is blurry because I'm crying while typing this) like the faucet came on without even turning the handle.

(sweet Nanny)

I told Austin it's a subject that I just try to avoid (maybe the experience of losing Mom so young [I was 13 years old, John was 21] and not having lost anyone close to me since [besides my pup Boogie who passed @ 12 years old in 2021] has caused some sort of "avoidance defense mechanism" where I refuse to think or talk about losing anyone because I will immediately start crying.) And I realized how mentally dangerous that "defense mechanism" actually is.

(One of the last pictures I took of Boogie the night I had to have him put to sleep)

For example if something were to happen to Nanny (Dad, Johnathon, Austin) I genuinely don't know how I would cope. Hell I might even have a legitimate fucking breakdown because I've just internally suppressed any thoughts of death for so long that I just don't know how I would handle it now.

(Nanny, John, Austin, and Dad [I'm taking the picture obviously] celebrating John turning 40) This picture makes me especially sad because I was so busy getting everything together for Nanny's birthday celebration that I completely forgot about Johnathon's birthday (their birthdays are 3 days apart). He went and bought his own cake and when I realized that, I cried so hard. I love you brother and again I'm so sorry. 😢

I told Austin that I probably need to talk to my therapist about this to try and help me with my coping skills, so as morbid as it may seem I suppose I'm going to try to learn how to cope with loss before the loss occurs. Let me be clear though, nothing and I mean nothing can prepare you for the loss of a loved one. But the better you know how to cope with loss the better you may be able to handle it when the situation arises because unfortunately, one day, it will...

Morals of todays story:

• don't be a doormat; it's ok to tell people no just try not to be rude about it (remember: learn boundaries, they're important)

• take care of your mental health.

• don't doom scroll, it's not good for you

• don't avoid thoughts of loss, death or dying; please, learn to cope

• be nice, it literally costs nothing

• give your undivided attention, someone may really need you to hear what they're saying

• therapy is not a sign of weakness, but strength

Thanks for reading. Follow along and grow with me...

-CJ