20 years...

July 22, 2024 was the 20 year anniversary of my Mom’s passing. Although I wanted this post to be on the actual anniversary, time just got away from me.

This is my recount of that day.

The day my mom died…

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It was a normal summer day for me.

A few weeks prior I had tried out for my middle school cheerleading squad with my best friend Maggie and we both got on the team. I was so excited and I was just riding the high of making the cheer squad and the enjoying the rest of my summer before starting 8th grade. If there’s one thing to note about me it’s that I love to swim (I’ll admit it has been a while since I’ve gone swimming and I’m not a big fan of bodies of water but I do love a good pool - my brother taught me how to swim when I was 10 or 11 at our local city pool — the same one I went to that day 20 years ago).

I woke up ready to go to the pool, mom told me that she couldn’t pick me up so I’d have to get dad, Johnathon or nanny to pick me up (I will say I can’t recall who took me, it might have been mom). So I called dad and he said he’d come get me. Off to the pool I went! From what I can remember it was a fun day nothing too crazy just swimming and having fun with friends. Six o’clock rolls around (closing time for the pool) and dad hadn’t arrived yet and neither had two of my friend’s parents.

We’re sitting at the gate with the lifeguard when I see mom pull up in nanny’s van (I believe Johnathon had mom’s car and dad was driving his that day so nanny let mom drive the van to come get me  (** that’s important to note**)). She said dad was running behind and he asked her if she could come get me. Well my friend’s parents weren’t there yet and so I asked mom if she could give them a ride home (and of course mom being the sweet woman that she is, said yes).

Jessica, Arlene (**her name is important to make note of**) and I are all crowded in the very back of the van, jamming out to the radio as mom sits in the driver’s seat with my dog Rebel at her side. “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw plays on the radio before we pull up to Jessica’s driveway to drop her off. We wave goodbye and Arlene and I continue to talk and listen to the radio. We get to the end of her road and are waiting at the stop sign. I look up and see mom, with a small smile on her face, looking down at Rebel.

Then——I’m…waking up? What?…Where am I? Why does this look like a hospital room? I was just in the car with my mom after a pool day…Mom…Where is mom?!?

Dad’s standing in the door of my hospital room. “What…What happened?? Where’s mom?!?” I recall him gingerly stepping forward with a look I can only describe as utter heartbreak on his face. “I’m so sorry CJ, she’s…she’s gone. She didn’t make it.”

In that moment I felt an incomprehensible emptiness that, to this day, I still can’t properly describe, but I’ll try…It was like all the air had been sucked out of my lungs and a crushing weight spread across my chest. This woman who had given birth to me, loved me and cared for me all of my 13 years was no longer on this earth. The devastation, heartbreak and grief that washed over me was the most intense emotional feeling I’ve ever felt and one I never wish to experience again.

Mind you I had just fully woken up from a 4-5 day medically induced coma. I was weak and hurting physically, mentally and emotionally and so the only thing I could do was lay there and cry, when all I wanted to do was scream until my lungs gave out, throw shit and break everything I could get my hands on...However, since I couldn't get out of bed yet, I simply turned my head, looked out the window and wept until I had no more tears left to cry.

I was released after staying nine days in Erlanger hospital and unfortunately had missed Mom’s funeral. Coming home was strange. There appeared to be a gray film on everything in my world.

A remembrance ceremony was held later on for me when I was physically able to go. I was left with a partially damaged kidney, lacerated (but healing) spleen, broken collarbone, and life long scars, both physical and emotional.

A few things that I’ve been told over the years:

• Had Mom not driven the van, she and Rebel would not have been the only two to die. Arlene and I would have likely died as well.

• Dad had an intuition about the accident. He told Johnathon at around 6:30 pm that something didn’t feel right, and that he thought something had happened to me and Mom. (**That was approximately the time that the accident occurred.**). He tried calling her. No answer. Over and over and over again he tried calling her but unfortunately she would never answer again. He then received a phone call stating that we had in fact, been in a terrible car accident but that Arlene and I were rushed to Fannin Regional Hospital.

• When Dad and Johnathon arrived, Dad asked where I was, and where his wife, Arlene, was. But the Arlene that had been brought to the hospital was not the Arlene he was expecting. It was my friend Arlene that was with me. He was told that Mom had passed instantly due to the severity of the accident and as much as he wanted to go to her and grieve her, I was critical and soon to be flown out to another hospital. So, they went with me.

• EMTs/Paramedics that were on the scene said I kept calling out to and crying for mom (I believe, in my heart, that although I was completely out of it, that I somehow knew in my soul that she was no longer with us, and I was grieving her even then.)

• That my dog Rebel had been acting very strange that whole day and didn’t once leave mom’s side. (He was with her until the very end, making sure she wasn’t alone when she passed…and for that I’m thankful.)

• We were hit by a well-drilling truck (while the weight of the specific vehicle is unknown to me, I imagine it’s a lot and going down hill at, at least, 65 mph.) who’s front right tire (after being recapped) had blown (also you’re apparently not suppose to have recapped tires on the front of certain vehicles). If I can find the news article somewhere I'll add it to the post later on...

• The EMT/Paramedic had told dad when they found me it looked as if someone had gently placed me on the bumper/winch of the truck.

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I recall a couple of months after the accident riding with dad down the highway and seeing my mom in the sky (and I’ll go to my GRAVE believing that I saw her in the clouds no matter how crazy it makes me sound). The cloud formation looked JUST like her and stayed that way for at least 10 minutes (which is weird for clouds given how quickly they change) and then, with tears streaming down my face I watched the clouds slowly dissipate. I like to think she was checking on me and giving me a sign that she’s still with me, just not physically…

I know my blog doesn’t reach far and wide (at least not yet) but if this reaches you and she’s still with you, hug your mom for me. Because 20 years is too long and you never know when the last hug will be…

Morals of today’s story:

• Be the first to hug and the last to let go.

• Always tell them you love them, you never know what the last words you say to someone will be.

• Trust your intuition.

• Animals know more than we think.

• Enjoy those sunny summer days, because when the gray days come, you’ll need the good memories to help you through.

• Everything happens for a reason, whether you believe that or not.

• Death doesn't care that you just got a big promotion, had your first child or accomplished your lifelong goals of climbing Everest. Death comes for us all...Be mindful of how you spend your dash and make sure your life is one that Death himself, grieves taking.

Thanks for reading. Follow along and grow with me.

-CJ